*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
tinder is all about the long game
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]