Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
john wicks are toilet candles
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van