origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.