Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Some people were born into their job.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.