#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Not even remotely sorry.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.