Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.