OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Lol.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig