Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
These aliens are taking forever.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.