other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal