OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.