Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Batman v Dracula
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?