OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Sorry I made promises on Friday
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Can’t, holding a grudge
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong