Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
me irl
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
There is no “ea” in Tim.