Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.