Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.