Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Can’t stop laughing
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
i think we should see other cousins
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?