[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My current situation
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST