[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
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Monday
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Never be a pizza!
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Thanks to a fan for this one!