[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.