[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Webb. James Webb.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.