[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Milk Cube
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.