ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.
– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.
– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS