[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Guantanamo Bae
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide