Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
cyclists
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.