[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….