Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.