Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Who does Amazon think I am?

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field