Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.