Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
You Might Also Like
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Terribly Tuesday.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition