Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
They got Raph!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.