I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
me when the borders lift
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.