Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.


no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it


I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.


Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.