Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*