Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Canada has crack?

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Help Wanted

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.