Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle