Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*