Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Xylophonist Shredding It
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Noah was an idiot.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The booster protects against what, now?