Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I see your IQ test came back negative
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week