@sarabellab123

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

You Might Also Like

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@Swishergirl24

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@MaryKoCo

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

@DamienFahey

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

@McSwtrvst

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

@EmSlyce

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.