Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.


Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.


4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.


If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality


If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.


I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?


People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.


I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?


The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.