@spacegirl4win

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

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@DirectorAF1

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

@epsn_cmolinar

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@noog

Brain: What if Batman…
Me: Just stop.
Brain: What?
Me: It’s 3 AM.
Brain: And?
Me: Go simple.
Brain: Tits and dragons?
Me: Tits and dragon.

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@JimmerThatisAll

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go