Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate


Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?


Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.


Brain: What if Batman…
Me: Just stop.
Brain: What?
Me: It’s 3 AM.
Brain: And?
Me: Go simple.
Brain: Tits and dragons?
Me: Tits and dragon.


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?


“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”




My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go