@spacegirl4win
@DirectorAF1 The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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@DirectorAF1 
@epsn_cmolinar Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
@English_Channel no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
@jackiemonahan Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
@TheToddWilliams Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
@goldengateblond Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
@noog Brain: What if Batman…
Me: Just stop.
Brain: What?
Me: It’s 3 AM.
Brain: And?
Me: Go simple.
Brain: Tits and dragons?
Me: Tits and dragon.
@dafloydsta [at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
@JimmerThatisAll “Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
@mattsurely My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go