Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
that de-escalated quickly
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Pretty much. 🤣
WTF
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”