Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.