Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
こいつ天才
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.