Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.