Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.