Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.