Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
This is me 🤣🤣
Friday night party time 🥳