Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey