Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.