Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
never ask a starfish for directions
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.