our love story in four pictures
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me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
This is my cat’s medicine.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?