Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.