Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.


Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.


If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”


*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?


Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”


girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly


I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.