Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.


I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.


Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.


After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.