@BradBroaddus

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

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@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

@katy_fit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

@LizGB

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

@clichedout

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.