Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
No laws when master is gone
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
dam girl
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5