Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer