Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
this is the news I live for
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
🙅🏻
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.